Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Monday, November 23, 2009
Just when recession started....
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' saidChandrasekhar.The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians.''Now,who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997! 'Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people,November 4th, 2008".just when recession started....
Friday, October 9, 2009
Brainy Sardarji
Sardarji in a Plane
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "your turn".
He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.
The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.
Sardarji in Pakistan
A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike.
He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.
Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'
Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.
Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.
'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'
A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.
"Okay," says the American, "your turn".
He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.
The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.
Sardarji in Pakistan
A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike.
He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.
Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'
Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.
Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.
'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'
The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'
Saturday, September 26, 2009
THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON
ONE DAY A FLORIST GOES TO HIM FOR A HAIRCUT. AFTER THE CUT, HE GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AND THE BARBER REPLIES:
"I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE."
THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A "THANK YOU" CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES:
"I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE.
THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT.
BUT THE BARBER REPLIES:
"I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I
AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE. "
THE INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES.
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP,
GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...
CAN YOU GUESS?
TRY TO GUESSSSSS
COME ON, THINK LIKE AN INDIAN...... ......... .
A DOZEN INDIANS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT...
"I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE."
THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A "THANK YOU" CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES:
"I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE.
THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT.
BUT THE BARBER REPLIES:
"I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I
AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE. "
THE INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES.
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP,
GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...
CAN YOU GUESS?
TRY TO GUESSSSSS
COME ON, THINK LIKE AN INDIAN...... ......... .
A DOZEN INDIANS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
'Nah, baba' - Costs too much....
Sindhi Strikes Again !!
A Sindhi walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?
'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'
So the Sindhi runs around the next block and faces her again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
'Nah, baba', says the Sindhi... 'Costs too much....'
A Sindhi walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?
'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'
So the Sindhi runs around the next block and faces her again. 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
'Nah, baba', says the Sindhi... 'Costs too much....'
Friday, September 18, 2009
WHAT IS AUDIT?
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd,
'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?'
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.
He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'
The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'
The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in
the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me ?'
The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'
The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. '
Firstly, you came here without being wanted.
Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.
Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business....'
'.....Now can I have my DOG back?
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd,
'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?'
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.
He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'
The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'
The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in
the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me ?'
The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'
The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. '
Firstly, you came here without being wanted.
Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.
Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business....'
'.....Now can I have my DOG back?
Monday, September 14, 2009
Gujjus are recession proof!!
Chicago area (city or suburb) Gujju couple, Rohit bhai and Maniben, both well into their 30's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Gujubhai says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? Need your feedback!"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is also amazed that the couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the Guju couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
Gujubhai says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married, and we can't go to her house.
I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and ... I get $43 back from Medicare."
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Gujubhai says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? Need your feedback!"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is also amazed that the couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the Guju couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
Gujubhai says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married, and we can't go to her house.
I'm married, and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and ... I get $43 back from Medicare."
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