“There is no such thing as an ideal marriage,” says Norbert Kellerbauer. He ought to know –for two reasons. Kellerbauer has been happily married for 32 years. Moreover, he and his wife Ute have as marriage therapists for 27 years in Germany. And Ute Kellerbauer admits: “Even I have to always work hard to find solutions that are satisfactory for everyone. Just believing in everlasting love isn’t enough.” The two experts discuss the five major obstacles in typical marriages and provide solutions:
Obstacles #1
Expecting Too Much
Norbert Kellerbauer explains: “Presuming that your partner can read your mind or your feelings make any relationship difficult. My partner cannot know what I want him or her to do, just because he or she loves me. I have to talk about what I expect of him.”
Ute Kellerbauer adds: “The other person is not there just to make me happy. Norbert and I too had to learn to keep this in mind and say what we expect from one another.”
Obstacle #2
Neglecting Conversations
Silence grows between partners, but this warning sign is often overlooked. In many long marriages the desire to talk to one another vanishes even as the willingness to listen diminishes……
Ute Kellerbauer comments: “Many couples think the increasing silence between them is normal. It’s as if to say: “We’ve been married for more than 20 years. So there’s not much left to say to one another.” Even Norbert and I have difficulties in finding the right time for conversation. Yet, from our work we know how important constant dialogue is. That’s why we actually fix date if we feel that something needs to be discussed. Most of the time this works.”
Norbert Kellerbauer adds: :Men frequently tend to avoid conflicts. If I don’t start dealing with a problem,” they often reckon, “then it will just bounce away. Sometimes I’ve even noticed this tendency in myself –to wait first and see if a problem will just take care of itself and go away. But no, it’s better to face the situation and talk.”
Obstacle #3
Gradual Alienation
Norbert Kellerbauer comments: “When the little gifts stop coming, that could mean ‘You aren’t important to me anymore!’ for a partner. Both partners become dissatisfied, and each waits for the other to initiate contact again.”
Ute Kellerbauer adds: “This inner sense of alienation often expresses itself in physical symptoms too. One partner starts suffering from stomachaches or headaches, sometimes both suffer at the same time. The distance between the two can become so great that they even deny each other a sexual relationship. It is by then that you must realize that something major is amiss.
“It is often difficult to detect the little warning signs,” says Norbert Kellerbauer, “but we try to spot them anyway. We also try to keep our marriage alive with little gifts, so the other person is reminded ‘I” am still important to my partner.”
Obstacle #4
The Battle for Equality
“Equality in a relationship is not a static condition, but requires development,” Ute Kellerbauer says. “It is a matter of give-and-take for both partners. And this giving and taking has often to be defined anew.”
Norbert Kellerbauer: “Ute and I, too had problems balancing this. At the start of our marriage I had the impression that Ute might feel disadvantaged through her role as mother. So, I made sure that she could participate in the same continuing educational training as I. Besides this, we shared the job of taking care of our two sons.”
Ute Kellerbauer adds: “It wasn’t always easy because, at first, Norbert took many things for granted. So we had to change the rules and reorganize the responsibilities again and again. As you can see, it’s worked out well.”
Obstacle #5
No More Personal Development
There are cycles of development in every relationship. “One can even speak of phases that every marriage goes through –ours too,” says Ute. “Some of these phases almost always trigger crises.”
There’s always the danger that one loses oneself in the relationship –through one’s job, through the kids, or many other things. This still happens to us and we have to guard against it time and again.”
The first phase of marriage involves partnership building. During this the partners are busy with each other and generally close. But afterwards, they can drift apart. The decisive factor: usually the birth of a first child. If during this phase the woman feels neglected in her role as mother, it can lead to problems.
The next phase begins when the children start going to school. Often, the wife then resumes working. “Responsibilities have to be reorganized now,” says Norbert.
The third phase begins once the children have left home. Partners frequently have to get used to being alone again. “This phase wasn’t and still isn’t easy for us,” admits Norbert, “but we see it as a chance to have more time for each other again.”
Adds Ute: “The idea of growing old is becoming a reality. We’ve both lost our parents –and have thus been confronted by our own mortality.”
All of which paves the way for the next phase, one that is yet to come for Ute and Norbert –staying married in old age. Often new power struggle arise then, especially when one’s professional life is over. But the Kellerbauers don’t see this as dangerous for them. “It becomes difficult, though, if neither of the partners has developed different personal interests over the years,” Ute explains.
Her husband adds: “We both have our own individual hobbies and a nice mutual one –archaeology. We both take part in sports, and we are looking forward to growing old together.”
Heed These Golden Rules
Accept the other person as he or she is, not like you want him or her to be.
Keep the ‘talk-line open. Always show your partner respect and appreciation.
See that you both develop as persons together –even in your sexuality.
Discover each other’s unique traits and help yourself develop those traits.
Accept crises as a part of life and as a chance for the relationship to develop.
(Sabine Kadereit – Reader’s Digest – October, 2001)
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